Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?- Fleetwood Mac
It feels like every second of my life I get more afraid of what the world looks like. Not just during a global pandemic. No, I mean my entire life. I’ve looked around many times before trying to find the right direction. I’ve sifted through ashes of my life before when it was totally ruined. Believe me, there are incredible things that I have been a witness to in my life. Some that only one other person may ever know about. There are also some horrific events that I caused that I hold in my head every single day of my life. However, there’s one thing I can’t get over. It doesn’t matter how hard I try. It’s unshakable. It’s so strong, in fact, it can break the toughest man. That one thing is the answer to a question: Where does love go once it goes?
This question seems so simple to many. It may not appear to be such a terrible thought. There’s one thing I need to add to this question, and it’s meaning for me. It was one of the last questions my brother, Wayne, ever asked me before he left this world. You see, it didn’t matter what happened to me back then. I knew I always had him. He would kill for me. I would have done the same for him. There’s one thing I forgot to do for him. I forgot to listen. Sure, I heard the words. Jesus, I was so self obsorbed back then, I couldn’t even hear myself think unless it had a benefit to me. Only until recently has that changed. I’ve lost so many great people in my life because of the way I was. I changed because I found the answer to that question when Wayne left.
Once Love is gone, it burns. It never stops. You can’t put it out. The longest of nights come. The longest days come. You’ll end up standing in the rain, not even noticing that you’re getting soaked. That kind of loss ends up in your eyes, then down your cheek and eventually in your lap. Your appetite will dissappear. No, it’s not the loss. It’s the truth that stings the most. The truth that if I would have been listening with intent, I might still have him here. That, my friends, is where love goes once it’s gone.
You may be asking yourself, why is Tim bringing this up now? We’ve talked about this before, right? well, in a week it will be the second anniversary of his death. Two years without hearing his jokes. Without his laugh. His smile. Mostly, his love and reassurance. The very thing I should have been giving him. I firmly believe, nonetheless, that there is a solution to my problem. One that maybe will stop that burning. I couldn’t stop him but maybe just maybe I can stop someone else. If you’ve followed me for a while, you know that I always bring hope before the end of my blog. Here it comes.
I want you to pay deep attention to the words I have written in this blog. Do you notice something? I wrote them as a victim. a victim of a crime that hurts everyone. From his son, his mother, myself as his brother and also many more. It goes deeper, because then it affects my children, because they witnessed their daddy take a plunge. It hurt everyone who knew him. My point is, before you think no one cares, remember my story. Remember my burn. the one that never stops. The good news is, I’ve turned that burn into a flame. One that lights up so bright in his honor. One that turned into a passion to help others. Not only do I do that by writing, it’s now what I do as a career. I can help. No matter the hand that you’re dealt, life is a choice. Please choose it above all.
Today I’ve laid out my guilt for all to see. All in the hope that it can stop one person from making that crucial decision. Your life is not yours to take, keep fighting. Soon you won’t have to fight anymore. If you want to know a secret, that’s also one of the last things Wayne said to me. He was a fighter. The truth is, he fought for too long. Don’t let that happen to anyone, including yourself. Daylight is always right there in front of you!
Authors note: If you are my family. I am so sorry you had to hear how I feel about what happened. I’m also sorry that I had to drag you through it again. This is to help as many as I can. I have to. It’s not about us anymore. It’s about sharing his story and saving lives. Thank you for your support.
